Most Americans appear (at least the way they’re portrayed in the movies) to live in complete fear of social outcast due to some perceived abnormality in their sexual ways. For some people, a strong fear may develop that will ultimately prevent them from truly experiencing intimacy in its many forms.
Here is a small list questions / concerns commonly expressed:
Do I take too long to reach orgasm?
What is a reasonable length of time that a man should be able to maintain his erection?
Do I make love often enough for someone my age?
Is it strange that I like oral more than regular sex?
Sometimes people forget that normal is defined in many different ways:
What’s most statistically commonplace;
Popular opinion
What is considered legal by the authorities?
Moral considerations
Etc, Etc….
In more recent years, a lot of old taboos have been exorcised from normal society; some of these taboos are as old as written history. The word normal is an idea, and invention of man; and perhaps not even really a part of our physical reality.
It all starts during childhood…The weight of sexual investigation begins during the years of childhood. Children are like a reflection of us, or yourself; they’re just little people starting out in the world. Not surprisingly, they go through all of the same kinds of sexual gauntlets that adults have to tread through as well.
Most of the lessons that people teach children about sex simply try to encourage them that sex is somehow “bad” or “dirty”; not a great precedent to set for a budding little human being is it? And because human beings are naturally sexual creatures, they begin to think that their very nature is somehow flawed or evil..
Childhood is typically filled to the brim with harmful messages pertaining to sex and eroticism. Messages might include the following “Don’t try to feel sexual;” “Don’t touch your naughty bits;” “your body is not for touching;” “sexual contact is sick and disgusting;” “you must be sick to feel that way;” and finally, “you were not meant to be sexual” to the forbidding “you better not try to express your sexuality, or else.”
These fear fueled trends of sexual maladjustment will continue on into adulthood, where other power structures such as government or religious groups will use it to control them. These conflicted and confusing sexual feelings are used to do everything from sell products to convince someone to go to war.
What about anxiety in the bedroom?
Most people are too mental when it comes to sex, and completely avoid its physical nature. There is too much second guessing, and fear of ‘wrong movements’ or actions. Not enough passion and too much empty boasting.
Find other women to discuss your problems with
There are lots of women’s support groups (or private ones) around with lots of relevant information to help you out.
A classic example; most women really require some level of clitoral stimulation; but there are women who refuse to ask for it during sex because of the idea that the other women don’t need it to climax. Then she might feel abnormal or inadequate as a result of her misunderstanding. Or there might be a strong desire for a certain type of fetish to be incorporated into your love making but are afraid to ask about it for fear of ridicule.
Some individuals even let their fears run them to the point of it becoming psychologically restrictive to their bodies. That means that they are declining to permit their body to absorb any sounds, smells, sights, or pleasure; much less orgasm.
This intense fear can also lead to sexual depersonalization, where you simply observe yourself engaging in sexual congress as opposed to feeling like you actually participated. This also leads to ridiculous self evaluation and inability to truly enjoy the act itself. It’s as if you’re making your mind up about how you feel about sex instead of simply experiencing it. When it gets to this point sex becomes more of a shooting contest and less of a true source of gratification.
Great fear also exists that we (or others) might find out that we personally enjoy certain things that others might not be able to accept as ‘normal’. When sex starts to feel like a crime, some people retreat into a very boring and vanilla sex life in order to assure their ‘safety’ from the outside world and its judgments.
The intense desire to reach a state of “normal-ness” can become so transfixing as to render itself useless. We protect ourselves by establishing strict boundaries and begin segregating our feelings of emotion and desire. This will only lead to more pent up emotion and frustration, and not bring you any closer at all towards developing a healthy sex life and sexual outlook.
